Disappear and See the Color
My phone rang two evenings ago … It was my sweetheart. He was driving home from being out of town and calling to urge me to grab my camera and enjoy the sunset.
I did.
It was awesome … With a full-spectrum of color as the sun ever-so slowly slid toward the horizon line.
I am blessed with a husband who recognizes aspects of my personality that often seem invisible to me. (Like encouraging my interest in photography — which has served as a tonic for my periodic depression!) And he sure can spot a fabulous photo op! 
He also helps me identify when I need to “disappear” and simply “see the color” … The full-spectrum color of the big picture — the big sky of my life. My life as it is — and what it is becoming!
He is faithful to nudge me when I need to “go black” (ala Jack Bauer) 
— to overcome the what-if’s and take the proverbial next step in the direction of my dreams. He also didn’t act surprised when I made the realization that I am an introvert. (I sure like him! 
)
When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Source
Although I am not afraid (?) to “go black” — to disappear (unplug from phones, Internet, friends and family …) — it often becomes a challenge because I busy myself helping other people. More accurately: Helping other people to a fault. To the point where I set the desires of my own heart on the shelf. A shelf that all-to-often is dusty and cluttered with the various “piles” of the desires of my heart. ♥
This little tidbit of my reality became unavoidably evident during the month of May.
W-a-y unavoidably!
So, during the recent flight home from visiting my daughter — and delighting in a gathering of awesome and dear “imaginary” (online) friends of 15 years — I determined I would disappear. I would disappear (in semi-metered amounts) until such time I had completed the tasks that keep revolving in my heart (and on my To-Do list!). During that three-hour flight, disappearing via daily personal retreats became a matter of unfolding and revealing prayer …
June would be the month of rediscovering the joy of solitude.
It should be noted that once upon a time (before marriage and children and caregiving and homeschooling …) I was an expert in solitude and the miscellany details of disappearing. Back then, it didn’t seem to matter to me what other people thought … or said. I knew what I needed and I applied the salve of solitude — on a regular basis!
However, the emotions and realities of my transitioning “empty nest” are creating a bit of static, and I have been unable to get a clear signal in order to put down words that would describe — and allow me to process — this time in my life. Thus, loosening me to proceed — to proceed in the direction of my dreams.
Enter the serendipity of social media …
I am currently working on a consulting project — something that has served as an anchor in my current wind tunnel of thought! As I research and compile notes for this project, I periodically click over to my Twitter and Facebook accounts, and read various blogs here and there. Each time I am blessed to collect quotes, prompts and kind words from friends! ♥
It is my habit to note these sweet bits of randomness and compile them in a daily log. These notes always help to clarify my eclectic prayer-ponderings about “the next step” and provide the missing links and syllables I need as I piece together my “next step puzzle” … One such blog that I read today is compiled by a creative and inspiring and contemplative young woman who tweets @messycanvas; her blog is, Messy Canvas.
So, here is the serendipity: I jotted the title of the post you are reading — “Disappear and See the Color” — a week ago. Until today, I have only been able to add fragmented thoughts and various phrases to the original draft. BUT, during my lunch break (when I realized I was meandering in not-so-fun wonderment — and hearing w-a-y too much static) I read “I’m Afraid to Disappear” at Messy Canvas. Alas! I discovered …
Words for what I was feeling:
The problem is getting onto write a blog post and getting lost in a world of answering emails, following links, getting swallowed into facebook and twitter land and feeling the need to conversate just to prove I’m still alive. That’s one struggle.
The other struggle comes down to really wanting to engage in creating and realizing that to do much of what I’m dreaming of doing right now, it will take the discipline of working on it for a long time. Some of the things I want to do can’t be done in an hour or two and then shared in a blog post. They will take time to percolate, to build on themself, much like a snowball. But if I only create so that things can be immediately seen, if I’m afraid to disappear (as in showing off what I’m creating) then I may never attempt the things I see in my head and feel in my soul.
This was the final piece to the puzzle of the past seven days! It filled in the last bare spot and allowed me to see the big picture — the big sky of my life. My life as it is — and what it is becoming!
I have let go of a little more fear (of what might happen if I “go black” or permit the projects in my heart time to percolate) AND I am prepared go even deeper into a life of Grace! To let go and be even more free! 
To do only what is in my heart — because that, my friend, is what I have Grace to accomplish (Psalm 138:7-8).
During the past seven days, I have been blessed with situational pieces to a puzzle. Each piece has inspired, prepared and “nudged” me to walk in liberty and to share what I am creating (and let other projects brew to completeness …). To be authentic to the plan for my life. And to let go of my fear (and thus, avoidance) of the time in between.
And … most importantly … Realize that my life is not about me. It is about Him.
What are you holding back?
What dreams are in your heart … And yet await your time and your attention — and your action.
♫ “Take my time, here on this Earth, and let it glorify all that You are worth.” I am nothing without You.
